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Boundaries, Forgiveness or Both?

The healthy thing...

Can one have forgiveness and boundaries?

Answer: Indeed they can! I've recently had some questions come my way such as, "Where does forgiveness come in when people continue to abuse you even after you have requested they stop and have explained the damage they are doing?"
Forgiveness comes in when we forgive understanding that the person doing the damaging is the one with a lot of baggage and damage of their own. We can realize that they are in the wrong if they are continuing to damage and trying to cast blame on you. We all have things we say and do that we are responsible for and we can 'own' those things by taking responsibility for them but we do not have to take the responsibility others may try to pin or give to us. Their responsibility is their behavior whether it is lies, tricks, addictions, criticism, or lack of the truth about forgiveness. Whether they believe they are being damaging or not doesn't matter if you know they are in your heart. Denial usually comes strongly to those who are abusive. They have a hard time admitting the truth to themselves. They are not being healthy. Forgiveness is not license. God's forgiveness is not either. Some people may try to use the christian card on us by saying we are not Christlike in setting boundaries but we really are. If they insist on being abusive we give the freedom to do so without continuing to abuse us. This God does also. He wants to reconcile with us but if we continue to shut out His desire for us to turn away from what is damaging to ourselves He will eventually leave us to our desires. Honoring freedom. If we continue to allow someone to abuse us it is unneccesarily damaging to us and to them. Every time we abuse another we abuse ourself also...If we allow it to happen to us we are enabling it to continue in them. If our children are receiving it also then it will continue to the next generation. (Exodus 34:7)
Most important-most people will not get help until their family does the healthy thing. If we continue in unhealthiness we are being unhealthy too.

Abuse

The healthy thing...

Some examples of abuse. Our article page will have more on this soon. Some of the behaviors under emotional or religious abuse is also used to control in the form of humiliation. See the below supplement on this. Humiliation Power-1
Humiliation Power-2
Humiliation Power-3

Boundaries

The healthy thing...

A situation was brought up to us recently and we were asked for input. Here is the situation and the question is how to solve the problem in light of boundaries and other healthy communication:
1) We have a tree on our yard that leans over the fence toward a neighbor. The tree is in good health but the neighbor had asked us to have it taken down so it wouldn't fall on their house. We decided to go ahead and have it taken down-not giving it a second thought. After having the tree surgeon come and make ready to cut the tree, the neighbor proceeded to talk to the tree surgeon and get their insurance information. Their background check on this tree professional came up with the fact that their insurance had expired the day before so they didn't want them to cut down the tree. At this time, I realized I was not cutting down the tree because I wanted to or because I saw a good reason to so I decided to cancel the whole thing.
2) One day our neighbor (yes it was the same neighbor) started smelling something that smelled like sewage. They checked all over their yard and couldn't find the problem and they proceeded to believe that it came from our yard. They asked us to check which we did and didn't believe there was any connection to our yard. One day while we were away they called the city health department and someone came out to check it. While in the process of checking and talking with the neighbor the man discovered that they were not checking the neighbor's yard but in fact were checking our house. He was astonished and told them he thought it was their own house or he would not have come out.
3) We have dogs. We hate to tie our dogs up too much since we feel bad for them so let them run free. One of the neighbors doesn't like the dogs coming in their yard so we tied up most of them but one dog (who is very nice) we left free. We try to keep her in our yard but she goes at times through the neighborhood. One day our dog was missing. We received a call from the Pound saying she had been tied up there. We are a suspicious it was the same neighbor as the tree incident that took her there.
How do we resolve these problems?

Our Answer: We suggest asking the question: are there any boundary violations occurring here?
1) The neighbor could ask (healthy request) for the tree to be taken down (since they are concerned) but since it seems to not be based in a good reason as there was no current problem (like a storm impending or the tree starting to die) they could also wait until there is a real source for concern. One could worry about anything, which seems to be a consistent problem in these situations. If the neighbor asked for the tree to be taken down then they should also offer to pay for it (since this is only their personal concern) and if concerned about people's insurance they could hire their own tree surgeon that would pass their strict regimen. If the tree owner doesn't mind having the tree taken down and he doesn't want to pay for it since he has no reason to have it removed he can give the neighbor permission to have it professionally taken down.
--or the tree owner could just say no. I have no good reason to remove the tree and want it to stay. If any damage does occur to the neighbors house in the future then his insurance would cover any damage to the neighbor's property.
2) The neighbor may smell sewage but if they do not see any or find any in their yard, their responsibility is over. They can also refrain from concerning themselves but if they want to create stress in their life they are free to do so and may continue worrying. If they go into the owner's yard they are in violation of several things. These are the people "no trespassing" signs were made for. If they hurt themselves while on my friend's property they would have brought it on themselves. In addition they were falsely presenting themselves by not making it clear to the health inspector that it was not their property they were on. If there was evidence in their yard of sewage they could call the health department and ask for the proper procedure after asking the owner to check on it and if nothing was done. As it was the smell eventually went away - it was determined to have been a dead bear. In the meanwhile, unfortunately, these neighbors are not attempting to make themselves good neighbors.
3) Well, to follow a healthy boundary approach an owner would need to contain his/her dogs somehow. If they are going on a neighbor's property they are violating someone's boundary. If that neighbor is in agreement, this is not a problem however if is not in agreement, it is trespassing on someone elses property against their choice. If an owner will not put up a fence, tie up his/her dog or get an electric fence, then the neighbor may need to ask them to keep their dog contained. If they do not contain their dog then the neighbor can explain that they will be forced to take an action themselves. They can explain what actions they will need to take and the owner can decide to allow those risks by letting their dog run free or to indeed find a way to contain it. The pound could be one of those actions. Putting up a fence for themselves can also be an option. The most important thing is clear, healthy communication and outcomes. Not playing tricks or sending questionable messages. Trying to work it out is always good too-lots of healthy choices.