There are at least three marriage theme possibilities that are adopted by a couple - knowingly or unknowingly. Many times these are formed from our expectations. The most healthy theme of the three requires a purposeful choice. Rarely is it instinctive. The other two are the easiest to assume.
The first of these two is ENMESHMENT. In a healthy relationship, partners come close, then move away in a circular pattern: close, move away, close, move away... God created this pattern into our emotions so we could have both the closeness we need and space to be ourselves to grow. In an enmeshed relationship, when one partner moves away, the other follows out of fear of loss of closeness. Then when the other moves away, the other partner follows. There is no healthy "on my own with God" time. Partners are frequently "in each other's heads", second-guessing each other, trying to control each other in various ways. Boundaries are non-existent or frequently violated. Enmeshed partners tend to use passive-aggressive techniques with each other to maintain control- most of which is geared toward preventing abandonment.
Pay Off: Intense closeness, gives the feeling of having some control of the other person's behavior (so helps anesthetize the pain of fear). Feels familiar (from childhood, mimics an unhealthy parent's attempts to absorb the child into him or herself to "act out" their repressed issues) and is therefore less frightening.
Price Tag: Smothers any real personal growth on either party's part. Keeps one or both partners stuck in fear cycle. Stifles personal freedom which causes the relationship to stagnate. Creates resentment which almost always ultimately brings about the dissolution of the relationship (even if the parties "stay together" for whatever reason).
Enmeshment...stifles personal freedom which causes the relationship to stagnate....creating resentment which almost always ultimately brings about the dissolution of the relationship (even if the parties "stay together" for whatever reason).
The other theme of the two more negative is FAIRNESS. Although it may sound good, the results are far from perfect.
Pay Off: Appeals to our logical thinking processes and gives us some relief from fear because it appears that we can come up with an "answer" and regain control of the situation. Gives us leverage to maintain some control of the other person's behavior (my position is fair, therefore you have to listen to me and give in to my wishes thus alleviating my fear of loss of control).
Price Tag: Constant bickering, "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" and for every "fair" scenario one partner comes up with, the other can match it with one of their own. Constant "weighing" of the other's behavior and motives which takes the energy and attention away from the only thing that will effect true change toward health in the relationship: looking at one's self and making personal changes by God's grace and under His direction.
The final theme, and the most difficult of all to accomplish is FREEDOM AND INTERDEPENDENCE. Despite the long title the concept is rather easy to grasp, but hard to make it a standard practice without purposeful intent.
Pay Off: Deep satisfaction in having cooperated with God in creating a solid, healthy marriage. Freedom from fear. Freedom from the exhausting work of constantly monitoring someone else's behavior to see if it is "safe" for you. Allows each partner to grow personally. Allows the marriage to grow and blossom. (I have a poster on my wall that says, "Like flowers on a windowsill, the human spirit leans toward the sunshine of freedom, for that is where we bloom the best.) The chance to "relate to" instead of "react to" your mate. Modeling of healthy behavior to children, who then have the skills to take into their own marriages.
Price Tag: Feels distant at first, especially when partners have been seriously enmeshed and are accustomed to having intertwined boundaries. Can be terrifying at first to the person with rejection and abandonment issues who subconsciously feel that if they don&apost somehow control the other person, they will leave (at whatever level, emotional distancing is just as terrifying to a person with abandonment issues as is actual physical separation). Requires clear choice to renounce fear and embrace trust in God and in the partner which can feel very risky. Requires hard work and commitment to developing new patterns of behavior that create healthy closeness (interdependence), based in trust and true concern for the partner and the relationship rather than being based in deep unconscious fear.