BoundariesPosted on 9/14/2008 - Faye van Meurs

Do Not Cross

Today’s statistics show that 50% of first marriages fail and 60% of remarriages end in divorce.1 A large contributing factor to this failure rate of marriages is a lack of boundaries. According to Doctors Cloud and Townsend, "More marriages fail because of poor boundaries than for any other reason."2

What are boundaries and why are they important? Boundaries are limits that are placed on every object in the universe ranging from their physical limits to that which defines a border or entity. States or territories, for example, have such borders or boundaries. The principle of boundaries is applicable to every aspect of life and even more specifically it can be found woven through the four aspects of man. Boundaries provide the gift of ownership and responsibility. They set the stage for freedom and love in relationships as well as protect and promote the health of individuals and their interactions with others. They are a necessary part of life but sadly a missing one in a great many lives today.

Boundaries benefit individuals by helping them know where they end and another person begins. David explained this when he said, ‘Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance’ (Ps. 16:5-6)."3

Boundaries allow us to set limits on ourselves that are healthy so that we are not walking over others nor are we allowing others to walk over us. They provide balance. They give a clear line that keeps us ‘tending our own gardens’ while also giving a sense of free release from trying to "fix" other gardens that are not ours to tend.

The importance of boundaries was brought to our attention many years ago by God, when He communicated an outline to us on Mount Sinai in the form of the Ten Commandments. This instruction outlined good boundaries toward Him, others and ourselves. And although God gave this expressed instruction about 2000 years into the history of man, He had not left us without this information from the beginning. At creation God had already placed boundaries in the physical world for us to see. (If He had not the world would be one continuous object without a beginning or an end). In Genesis 1 we find that limits were given to the waters on the earth so that there would be dry land for the land-dwelling creatures. It was at the foundation of the world "when he gave the sea its boundary so the waters would not overstep his command, and when he marked out the foundations of the earth." Proverbs 8:28-30 NIV. These boundaries were removed at the flood and replaced again thereafter. God "set a boundary they cannot cross; never again will they cover the earth." Psalms 104:8-10 NIV. He "made the sand a boundary for the sea, an everlasting barrier it cannot cross." Jeremiah 5:22 NIV

As we have noted above, boundaries have existed in the physical world since its inception. Sometimes the obvious, however, even in the laws of nature, is overlooked. Thus whether because it’s so prevalent or just because it is not noticed, the boundary principle has been overlooked as well. It is not usually identified, frequently it is not considered important and rarely is it applied to the other 3 areas of life that also require this basic principle.

...God had already placed boundaries in the physical world for us to see. (If He had not the world would be one continuous object without a beginning or an end). In Genesis 1 we find that limits were given to the waters on the earth...

How does this principle apply to life? Each individual has 4 aspects or areas that are a part of their being- the physical, mental, spiritual, and social (See Luke 2:52). Solomon generally addressed all 4 of these personal boundary aspects in Proverbs when he said, "Like a city breached, without walls, is one who lacks self-control."5 With this in mind interestingly consider for a moment the impact good boundaries can have on each of these 4 areas. Beginning as we have with the physical world we can add to that the aspect of the physical being of the individual. In this physical aspect, boundaries provide the protection for the individual’s well-being by setting a limit to how one is to be treated. Mental boundaries provide mental limits to keep our minds disciplined and guarded as spoken of in Corinthians when it said, "bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ"4, and in Proverbs, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23). Moving on to the spiritual aspect we find that boundaries are given for our health and growth. Isaiah explained it well when he wrote, "our thoughts are not God’s thoughts, and neither are our ways His ways.6 We must know that God is all powerful and we are not. That God is great and He must be to meet our needs. That especially where God is concerned, we have limits.

Last but not least are social boundaries. These are those that fertilize the soil of healthy relationships. They pave the way for true intimacy. They give ownership to each person so that the individuals of the relationship can offer gifts of valuable observation to each other without trampling upon another’s heart. This is known in the government of God as ‘freedom and interdependence’ or in our world, "good fences make good neighbors."7

Can boundaries be misused? Although boundaries can bring balance they can also be misused to the point of creating an imbalance. One example of the misuse of boundaries would be as an ultimatum. "Boundaries were not designed to end relationships, but to preserve and deepen them."8 When boundaries are misused it delays the growth and repairs that are needed to improve a relationship

What damage occurs when boundaries are violated? The physical world again gives us a great lesson; when nature violates its boundaries, humans experience the pain and destruction of its force. Flooding and tidal waves are good examples of this experience. In the lives of humans we find physical boundaries being violated in physical abuse, emotional boundaries in emotional abuse, mental boundaries in drug abuse, and social (inter-relational) boundaries in a variety of ways from nagging to attempts at other control. All of these areas cause conflict and trouble in the lives of humanity and in the world.

In contemplating the good that healthy boundaries can bring to us, it is well worth the effort to look into our lives and see the benefits of the boundary principle in many ways. Healthy boundaries can even assist us in sharpening time management skills. So, in light of the value and benefits that boundaries contribute to our lives it is essential that we apply them not only to our lives but that we encourage others to do the same in the counseling setting. In doing so we can be assured that it will be a positive factor in our growth and renewal and in those that God has sent our way. This is just one way to pass on the new life He gives each day- "I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." John 10:10.

1 http://www.divorcemag.com/statistics/statsUS.shtml (Divorce magazine.com) 2(Boundaries, 150) 3(Boundaries, 240)
4 2 Corinthians 2:5 5 Proverbs 25:28 6 Isaiah 55:8 7 Robert Frost 8 Boundaries in marriage 236